“They
have been two terrible years – and yet I have a queer feeling of thankfulness
for them – as if they had brought me something very precious, with all their
pain. I wouldn’t want to go back and be the girl I was two years ago, not even
if I could. Not that I think I’ve made any wonderful progress…I suppose I had a
soul then…but I didn’t know it. I know it now – and that is worth a great deal
– worth all the suffering of the past two years. And still…I don’t want to
suffer any more – not even for the sake of more soul growth. At the end of two
more years I might look back and be thankful for the development they had
brought me, too; but I don’t want it now.” – L.M. Montgomery
Well, I finally finished reading the Anne of Green Gables series which was a goal from 2011. It took quite awhile because while I loved the books which were about Anne, I struggled a lot with the ones that focused on her children, with very little of the Anne and Gilbert I loved. The above quote is from the last book - Rilla of Ingleside - and it really resonated with me and the journey I've been on for the past two years. As I get older, the more I understand that the truly difficult things, the painful things, are the things that God uses to grow us in the biggest, most life-changing ways. And we wouldn't want to know in advance that we'd have to suffer through them, and we wouldn't choose to suffer through them again, yet we begin to understand that without those struggles we wouldn't be who we are - who God intended us to be.
“We
say that we wish God would answer our prayers immediately, but I think that if
He did, we’d run the other way. We need the gift of time. We need the grace of
small steps.” ~ Robin Jones Gunn
“Small is how blessings, healing,
progress and increase occur.”
~ Anne Lamott
“These things I plan [for your life] won’t happen right
away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be
fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait
patiently, for it will surely take place.” ~ Habakkuk 2:3
This is the time of year when we think of new beginnings. And although we might think we want big changes, generally the way things happen is slowly, steadily, surely. Small choices, adjustments, changes - these things add up and eventually we see the end result of those small things. It takes time to adjust to new things, even good things, and I'm thankful that God usually allows us to gradually become accustomed to things. It may seem unfair or too slow at the time, but often looking back we see that it was at just the right speed and just the right time. We can't see the big picture, but God can.
“Above all, trust in the slow work of
God. We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without
delay. We should like to skip the intermediate stages. We are impatient of
being on the way to something unknown, something new…Only God could say what
this new spirit gradually forming within you will be. Give our Lord the benefit
of believing that his hand is leading you. And accept the anxiety of feeling
yourself in suspense and incomplete.”~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
“Do not despise these small beginnings,
for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin.” ~ Zechariah 4:10
When I look back at the past two years, it seems like time flew by, but I know that in the midst of the struggles it felt like time slowed to a snail's pace. It takes time to learn and grow and change. We stumble and fall and have to get up and try again. On of the things I've been feeling lately is that finally the true emotional toll is beginning to hit me. There is a process of grief and healing to go through. At the beginning the anger and the desire for knowledge reigned in my mind and heart and it pushed me to read through my Bible, to tackle books about theology and to really wrestle with what I believed and why. That time was very important and I learned a lot and I'm very thankful for the opportunity, even if I wasn't thankful at the beginning.
"The only possible way to have
full understanding of the teachings of Jesus is through the light of the Spirit
of God shining inside us. Once, the Bible was just
so many words to us--'clouds and darkness'--then, suddenly, the words become
spirit and life because Jesus re-speaks them to us when our circumstances make
the words new." ~ Oswald Chambers
~ Oswald Chambers
Although it feels like I've spent my whole life believing in God and knowing a lot about the Bible, it truly was like Chambers says in the first quote "from clouds and darkness to spirit and life." I can't recall another point in my life where God's Word came to life so vividly and lovingly. That alone is something I cherish and appreciate deeply. And all along this time of struggle, I've felt like there was something more - something God wanted me to do with this knowledge. Partly, this blog has been part of it - like Chambers says in the second quote "the opportunity to pass it on through [me] to someone else." But, it feels like there might be something else, but I don't think I'm there yet. I think that there is still healing and recovery to come. I do trust God to carry me through, but I'm a little worried about what that might mean and how it might come about.
“Healing is messy and fluid and often
unpredictable. I can’t manufacture my own healing. It usually takes longer than
I think, runs deeper that I wished, and involves more areas of my life than I
ever imagined. But once I come though it on the other side, healing not only
offers the closure I thought I wanted, it comes with a wholeness, wellness, and
restoration that closure lacks.” ~ Emily Freeman
“The God of all grace who called you to
his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will
himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” ~ 1 Peter 5:10
I'll admit it. I'm scared to go back to church. I'm worried about finding a place to feel safe. I feel overwhelmed about the need to be aware of what's being said and to have to think about it and not just blindly trust. I feel like I can't ever go back to attending church the way I used to. It means more now and that worries me. Yet, I know God is in control. I know the church is important to Him - the church is His bride, His beloved. I know it is good to be in fellowship with other believers, I miss the time of worship and praise. I want it to be easy and I feel like it can't be easy any more. Maybe I'm wrong...I'd like to be wrong...I would love to be proven wrong. But I'm afraid to try. I know I shouldn't feel that way...but I do.
“’The only exercise that works 100
percent of the time to draw one close to the real God is risk…To risk is to
willingly place your life in the hand of an unseen God and an unknown future,
then to watch him come through. He starts to get real when you live like
that.’” ~ Jennie Allen
“God can do anything, you know – far
more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He
does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply
and gently within us.” ~ Ephesians 3:20
But I have to try. I have to choose to have faith. I have to let God do what God wants to do in my life and not be afraid. I know that this journey is not over. I know there is more for me to learn. I know that I have to keep choosing each day to place my hand in God's and trust Him to carry me through. I know I'll sometimes let go and feel afraid again. But I want to choose to not give up, to take hold of His hand once again and daily trust Him. It's all I can do...it's all any of us can do.
“‘I trust God.’ …God, give us enough
faith for whatever the stories of our lives will hold, even on the worst of
days.” ~ Jennie Allen
“’Not by might nor by power, but by my
Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.” ~ Zechariah 4:6
“…it’s about the journey. It’s about
rediscovering the parts of yourself that you never ever knew about or dreamed
existed, and giving them room to grow and room to take flight…I do not fear
what my future holds…I am choosing to anticipate the next great provision,
whatever provision that may be.” ~ Heather George
God has a plan for me. I firmly believe that to be true. He will always be there. He will provide what I need - not necessarily what I want, but definitely what I need. I have seen Him provide in clear ways just recently. We got stuck in Cayucos last month when my car decided to stop working properly. At first, it seemed overwhelming to think we were stuck 5 hours from home - what are we supposed to do? But God provided in so many ways. We safely arrived at our vacation, we were "stuck" in our favorite place in the world, I had just begun a 2 week holiday from work and didn't need my car, we had family and friends ready and willing to come rescue us, and we had extra finances available. Thanks to a 16 hour drive by my Grandpa, we made it home safely with our car towed behind - traffic was terrible and doubled our driving time, but God consistently provided openings whenever we needed to change lanes, exit or enter the freeway and even at gas stations and restaurants for meals. We were able to enjoy Christmas and let the car sit and wait until after the holiday. Dad was able to find a transmission repair place that cost half as much as we'd been quoted in Cayucos and it was done within a week. Yes, Josh had to drive me to work and pick me up one work day, but his work schedule allows that anyways. My parents were able to cover the cost of the rebuilt transmission immediately and allow us to pay them back over the next few months - they had the space on a credit card, but God provided an extra check for just the amount needed unexpectedly. Isn't our God so amazing?!?
God is good...so incredibly good and I have to remember times like these for the times when He seems delayed or unresponsive. Although my head knows He sees the bigger picture that I cannot see, my heart tends to worry and stress and assume the worst. My mom has always said that is why it's so important to write down the ways God provides and read through those moments again and again and again...to remind ourselves that God provides, that God answers, that God isn't bored or lonely or disinterested or too busy or too annoyed or too anything. He's right there, knowing all, and waiting for us to simply trust Him. To rest in Him. To have faith that He is in control. That's why this year, we're going to keep a blessing jar again. We did this in 2013 and gave them as gifts to a few friends that Christmas. The idea being to write down blessings, beautiful things, moments to remember, joys, etc. and place them in the jar throughout the year. Then at the end of the year, you can read through them all and be reminded of the many wonderful things that happened - the things we often forget since our fragile humanness causes us to focus on the bad instead.
“Oh, dear friend, just because we don’t
hear an immediate response from God does not mean He is not listening. It does
not mean that He has rejected our request. It may simply mean that He just has
something else in mind or wants to take us to a deeper place of understanding.
He may be taking us to a place that is so good, our minds need the pause to
find it. What we do see and hear of God’s working is miniscule compared to the
magnificent workings we cannot see.” ~ Sharon Jaynes
“I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
and in His word I put my hope.” ~ Psalm 130:5
God is good...so incredibly good and I have to remember times like these for the times when He seems delayed or unresponsive. Although my head knows He sees the bigger picture that I cannot see, my heart tends to worry and stress and assume the worst. My mom has always said that is why it's so important to write down the ways God provides and read through those moments again and again and again...to remind ourselves that God provides, that God answers, that God isn't bored or lonely or disinterested or too busy or too annoyed or too anything. He's right there, knowing all, and waiting for us to simply trust Him. To rest in Him. To have faith that He is in control. That's why this year, we're going to keep a blessing jar again. We did this in 2013 and gave them as gifts to a few friends that Christmas. The idea being to write down blessings, beautiful things, moments to remember, joys, etc. and place them in the jar throughout the year. Then at the end of the year, you can read through them all and be reminded of the many wonderful things that happened - the things we often forget since our fragile humanness causes us to focus on the bad instead.
“Perhaps we ought not to pray for an
effortless life, but for God to give us the feet we need to traverse the life
he continually unfolds before us…Go to the places Jesus asks us to go, the
places the Shepherd leads us. Trust Him to provide on that journey and pray for
feet for that path.”
~ Christine Berghoef
“Christ will make His home in your hearts
as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you
strong.”
~ Ephesians 3:17
My very favorite author (Robin Jones Gunn) has a new series of books that continues the story of some of her most beloved characters - Christy & Todd - now in the married years of their lives. The second book came out in the fall and is called Home in Our Hearts and the above verse was her core verse. The deeper lesson in the book focusing on trusting God in the midst of difficult situations which rock our lives and make us worried and stressed. I'm so incredibly blessed by her books and as I've read them through the years I've grown along with her characters. Each time I read them (and I reread all her books about every other year), I'm encouraged in my faith, find new insights to treasure and find myself even more grateful for the wonderful loving God we serve. Other than my parents and my own study of the Bible, her books have probably made the longest and largest impact in my faith and so I am so thankful for her love of the Lord and so grateful for her willingness to write these books and continuing to write more!
“…your relationship with God grows
uniquely in the soil that is your journey through life. Jesus meets you at
places that are meaningful to you; he speaks to you as an individual, and he
grows his influence in you in unique ways. You aren’t defined by anyone else’s
map of the Christian life, even if those maps might be helpful in some ways.”
~ Michael Spencer
In this new year, I'm thankful that God is big enough to love us each individually and completely. He relates to each of us in unique ways and cares enough to build a relationship with each one of us. He isn't just one-size-fits-all in the ways He speaks to us and relates to us...He loves us unconditionally and fully and desires an intimate relationship built on trust and faith. He is gentle enough to allow us small steps, incremental changes, and tiny leaps of faith. He is kind enough to forgive again and again and again. He is wise enough to know everything, yet not overwhelm us with everything all at once. I hope that in this new year we can all grow closer to God and trust Him further and longer, obey Him more often, and love Him more and more each day.
Dear heavenly Father, thank You for loving us, especially for seeing us and loving us individually and unconditionally. You always give us more than we could ask or imagine - more colors, more flavors, more kindness, more grace, more love. Help us to be reminded of all those blessings especially in the times when we feel overwhelmed or forgotten or lost. Thank You for having a purpose for my life, for all our lives. Help us to trust You and remember that "our times are in Your hands." Help us to be bold in our faith and step out of our comfort zones. Help us to remember that even if we fail, we can try again. Thank You for loving us so much...I love you too. Amen.
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