“The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs.” ~ Isaiah 58:11

It began with disagreement. It was a struggle for me because I knew that I disagreed, but I couldn't specify why, I just knew that I didn't agree. While part of me thought that I could just say "I don't agree and it doesn't matter why," I also believed that I needed to know why. Not so that I could prove that my disagreement was supported by evidence, but because I needed to know what exactly I believed. So I dove into my Bible and started reading. I began with Paul's writings in the New Testament since that was where the disagreement began. I began reading some theological books recommended by others as well as some I found on my own. I started praying about it, talking about it with my husband, my parents, my sister and my friends. I discussed it with my coworkers and read more books that led to more books.


I struggled with the idea of questioning authority and who exactly is in authority over my life. Ultimately, the only authority is God and I felt His clear calling to keep researching these topics and to keep questioning and learning and growing. Although there was an initial struggle, it was eventually made clear that the person who was questioning my faith was not someone who had any power to make me feel guilty or shamed by my journey.

“Only listen to people who are in the center of your bull’s eye [inner circle of your life people]. Those outer-circle people hadn’t earned the right to tell her what to do. Not that God couldn’t use their insights to direct or motivate…but rather those people weren’t empowered to boss her around or instill in her a sense of guilt or failure based on their opinions of who she was or what she should be doing.” ~ Robin Jones Gunn

Definitely this person directed me onto the journey that I have been on and I am grateful for that push, no matter how painful it has been. But they didn't have the right or authority to know my heart or what I should be doing or not doing. And even though there were other people in my life - those "center of my bull's eye" people - I began to understand that they didn't determine my beliefs either. God used that person to direct me toward Him - and it was God who was directing my journey and the many changes that were to come. It was only He who had authority over my life.

“Don’t set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let Him tell you what to do.” ~ Matthew 23:9

One of the topics that came up in my Biblical studies over the past year was the idea of spiritual direction and spiritual mentors. This was a phrase I'd never heard before, but it resonated with me the more I read about it. I've always loved Mister Rogers and have collected several books of his quotes and a few years ago I was reading a book about him called I'm Proud of You by Tim Madigan. This memoir details a relationship developed through correspondence between the author and Fred Rogers and the title of the book refers to the way Mister Rogers would end each letter. The book is incredibly heartwarming and I highly recommend it. In the book, it mentioned that Fred Rogers wrote letters to the Catholic writer Henri Nouwen and that inspired me to look up some of Nouwen's writings.

“…meeting of souls can happen…through ‘the discovery of a saint, a book, an icon from some other part of the Christian world which suddenly we find to be intimately linked with us; the meeting with someone far away in space and time who yet becomes our friend and contemporary.” ~ Edward C. Sellner in Mentoring

I absolutely fell in love with Nouwen and quickly read my way through much of his writings. I felt such a connection to his struggles with insecurity, with being overwhelmed, with feeling broken. The more I read, the more I felt connected to this writer who was no longer living and who I would not get a chance to meet in this world...yet, the connection existed nonetheless. Reading his writings helped me to feel like I wasn't alone - that someone else had experienced similar things and that helped me to continue on this journey.

"...healing begins with our taking our pain out if its diabolical isolation and seeing that whatever we suffer, we suffer it in communion with all of humanity, and yes, all of creation. In so doing, we become participants in the great battle against the powers of darkness. Our little lives participate in something larger." ~ Henri Nouwen

Along the way, I discovered deeper relationships with certain friends as I began to share my journey and the struggles and hurt that I was feeling as well as the lessons I was learning. God brought deeper intimacy to these friendships where we were able to share hurts and losses and the ability to feel less alone and the ability to grow together in a more real relationship with God.

“What happiness, what security, what joy to have someone to whom you dare to speak on terms of equality to another self; one to whom you need have no fear to confess your failings; one to whom you can unblushingly make known what progress you have made in the spiritual life; one to whom you can entrust all the secrets of your heart.” ~ Aelred of Rievaulx

God used these friendships to provide insights and understanding and we discovered together that we weren't alone. That we shared similar struggles and that only by trusting in God and allowing Him to direct our path would we be able to make our way through this difficult time. The encouragement to read our Bibles, to pray together, to study and know His will - all these things were such a blessing. It was a little scary to be so vulnerable and real with others but I began to see the importance of sharing life with others. I mean, I knew it before, but it began to feel truly real and vital as these relationships deepened.


During this time, we had to leave a place where we had felt settled - a place where we had friends and family. But the disagreements would not allow us to stay. We had to make a choice. It wasn't an easy choice and we struggled for many months trying to decide if it was better to stay or go. It felt like either way there were many positives and negatives but ultimately the lack of peace felt like a call to stay. We prayed a lot about it and asked God for a clear sign. And one day, it was provided - we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we could no longer stay. It doesn't mean that it was easy to leave - we hated to cause any conflict, we hated to say goodbye to people we loved, we wished there was some way to make it all go away and pretend that everything was fine. But it wasn't and we had to make that leap of faith.

“Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul.” ~ Psalm 143:8

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” ~ Psalm 27:14

It was truly difficult at first. I had to share the reasons why we felt called to leave, I had to experience confrontation that was hurtful and untrue, I had to see people I love be hurt in the process of defending me and I had to decide who had more authority over my life - this person or God. But God provided so much in this time. He provided His peace in the midst of a terribly uncomfortable experience. He provided emotional support and encouragement from the people who were in my "inner bull's eye". He provided confidence and reassurance that we had made the right choice and that He had plans for our lives. He provided evidence in His Word that this was part of His plan for my life.

“The LORD says, ‘I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.” ~ Psalm 32:8

“God is writing my life story, and it’s different for me than it is for anyone else…It shouldn’t matter if other people understand. You’re the one who knows in your heart of hearts when you’re obeying His direction. He’s the One who will lift you up and send you soaring.” ~ Robin Jones Gunn

While I don't know what the future holds for me, I do know that God holds my future. I know that He is in control and I know that even when I have to go through difficult and uncomfortable circumstances that He will never leave me and He always has my best interests at heart. I won't say that it's always easy to believe that, but I have to choose to trust even when I struggle. And I do struggle. I struggle especially when things start to go wrong or difficult - I worry too much and I stress and I forget to have faith. It's easier to look back and see where I had faith, but to be honest it was much harder and messier than these blog posts reveal.

“Point out the road I must travel; I’m all ears, all eyes before You. Teach me how to live to please You because You’re my God.” ~ Psalm 143:8,10

But, what I want is to trust God. What I desire is to put my faith and trust in Him and rest secure in the knowledge that He's got this. I will struggle and I will fail...but I will try again and again and again. Each new day is a new opportunity to trust once again. And thankfully God doesn't give up on me and He keeps loving me and directing me in spite of my failures and lack of faith. How grateful am I that He does!


Dear heavenly Father, thank You for loving me in spite of my insecurities and my lack of faith. Thank You for directing me on the path You have for me and for leading me to the people and the places that You put in my life. I am so grateful for the experiences that You've allowed me to go through - even the difficult ones because I know that my faith was deepened and I have become much closer to You because of those times. Help me to remember that when new and challenging things occur - help me to trust You, to have faith, to believe that there is a reason for these things and that it is an opportunity to grow closer to You. I know that many of my friends and family are going through really difficult times and I pray that You will make Yourself truly real to them. Help them to feel Your presence and Your love in a way that surpasses expectations. I pray for healing of those who are sick, I pray for peace for those who are hurting, and I pray for Your will to be revealed to those who are searching. Thank You for Your love and Your peace and Your direction. I love you. Amen.

 

   

“We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” ~ Proverbs 16:9

I don't like change. I don't like rocking the boat. I don't like confrontation. I don't like difficult situations or conflict.

I like peace. I am a people pleaser. I respect authority. I try to be the good girl.

Last year, my life got shaken up. My faith was questioned - by me and by others. Things changed. I had to rock the boat. I instigated confrontation. I experienced difficult situations and much conflict. Peace felt far away. I did not please some people. I had to question authority. I was considered the "bad sheep" and not a "good girl."

It was a scary, emotional, heart-breaking and difficult time in my life. But you know what? It was hard, but it was good. It was difficult, but it was necessary. It was life-changing, but I'm closer to God as a result and that can only be counted for good. I would not have chosen this journey, but God knows better than me and while I didn't think so last year, I am glad that this happened to me. 

I don't mean to sound vague, but I'm not sure at this point that I want or need to go into the specifics of what started my journey. But essentially it was this - What do I believe about God? and Why do I believe what I believe about God?

Is my faith based on reading the Bible? Is it based on what my parents believe or taught me to believe? Is it based on what I learned attending Christian schools all my life? What is the foundation of my faith? Is my faith my own or is it based on what someone else has told me? I discovered that I needed to own my faith and that required a LOT of evaluation, a lot of prayers, a lot of reading and a lot of tears. 

I started out angry. Partly at myself - I spent too much time being apathetic and allowing other people to tell me what to believe and what the Bible said. I was worked up about things I believed that were being questioned. But I'm not one to initiate confrontation so I was angry in my heart and in my home. I'd like to say that it was my idea to eventually confront the source of my anger, but it was my sister's idea. The hope being that by addressing the situation it would be easily resolved - no muss, no fuss. But that's not what happened. 

My faith was questioned and my heart deemed selfish...but, I felt no conviction. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I don't have issues, but we all feel that tug of recognition or conviction from the Holy Spirit when something wrong in our lives is brought to light. As I poured out my hurt and my questions to God and my family and friends, I was more and more convinced that it wasn't from God. I was hurt and I was confused and I was questioning...but I had faith that God was directing my steps and that gave me peace. This was the beginning of my journey of change. 

I started reading my Bible with a passion...actually it felt more like devouring an amazing meal full of everything I could ever want and more. At first I was drawn to the New Testament to read for myself what it actually said and how it impacted what I believe. Then I started reading in the Old Testament. In my hurt and confusion, the Psalms were both comforting and convicting:

God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can’t take it all in! ~ Psalms 139:1-6

I couldn't get enough of God's Word..."thrill[ing] to God's Word, chew[ing] on Scripture night and day." ~ Psalm 1:2 Everything I read seemed fresh and new and exciting and spoken right to me. I'd read parts of the Bible before, even got through most of the books and made many attempts to read through it all. But I had never done that. But this experience just propelled me deep into God's Word and I just had to keep reading and underlining and makes notes in the margins and copying Scriptures to 3x5 notecards and sharing them with others like pieces of amazing chocolate. Over the course of the year, I finally read through the entire Bible. 

“Form your purpose by asking for counsel, then carry it out using all the help you can get.”
~ Proverbs 20:18

During this time, I also started reading a lot of books about theology. Definitely not my idea, not my interest, not my preference. But I felt called to do it - I knew it was what God wanted me to do. I read many books from many perspectives and each book seemed to lead to two more and those two to four more and so on. I started understanding what I believe and why I believed it. I had a lot of conversations with friends and family about what I was reading and learning. I had some friendly debates on several topics that helped strengthen my confidence. But I had this lingering feeling that there had to be some purpose for all this - some reason I was doing all this research and grow - some "thing" God had planned for me. 

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” ~ Matthew 6:34

“These things I plan [for your life] won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place.” ~ Habbakuk 2:3

I had to let go and trust that God had a plan and eventually it would be revealed. This blog feels like a definite part of that plan. I tried to write about this experience last year, but I was still too hurt and angry and confused. I didn't know, but God knew that I needed time to read, to reflect, to percolate on all this overwhelming information and change before I could possibly begin to put into words anything about this experience. And honestly, I needed to be more open to His leading than I might have been last year. I feel like the words I've been writing the past few weeks have come from Him...I felt clear calling to speak about certain subjects and use certain Scriptures. And every time it's been different than what I thought it would be...and that makes me more certain that He is truly directing me. 

But, I'm not done. I'm definitely not perfect and I'm still learning and growing and trying to be who God wants me to be. It has been an eventful journey, and it's a journey I'm still experiencing. Thankfully, not in a hurt and confused bit for now, but I know those times will likely come again. What I do know is this: “Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure everything out on your own. Listen for GOD’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

I still don't really like change and I'll still usually try to avoid confrontation and keep the peace. But I'm thankful that God knows better than I do what I really need. And I'm thankful for the opportunities for growth that this past year has brought me. In my reading of the New Testament, these verses from 2 Corinthians brought me so much peace, like a gift from God to me:

“You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from Him. The result was all gain, no loss. Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain…And now, isn’t it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You’re more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you’ve come out of this with purity of heart. ” ~ 2 Corinthians 7:9b-10a, 11

To be honest, I wouldn't want to go through the distress again, but I am so thankful that it drove me closer to God. I am grateful that God determines my steps and I want to always try to follow where He leads. Even when it's scary, even when it's hard - God is always with us - "...our refuge and strength, a VERY present help in trouble." ~ Psalm 46:1. Here is my prayer for you and for me:


Dear heavenly Father, Thank You for determining our steps. Thank You for allowing experiences in our lives that give the opportunity to know You better and to deepen our faith and trust in You. I'm so thankful that you brought change to my life and I'm sorry for the times that I felt it was unfair and when I was whiny and angry. I thank You for loving me in spite of my weak nature and for bringing me through that challenging experience to a place where I can feel glad that it happened. Thank You for giving me the words to share and help me to always be open to Your leading and direction and give all the praise and glory to You. Please help these words to encourage and uplift others and help them to feel Your peace and Your presence in the midst of their journeys. Thank You for loving us and thank You for Your Word which is such a gift. I love you. Amen.

“As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where He wants it.” ~ 1 Corinthians 12:18

In the early 90's, our family started receiving monthly book deliveries of Christian romances from Heartsong Presents. We are big readers and my mom wanted my sister and I to have good clean romances to read and this was a great inexpensive service. Each delivery would include four 100-150 page novels - two contemporary and two historical. Thankfully we could agree on how to divide them since I preferred the contemporary and my sister preferred the historical. But we would share them amongst us all and they were read very quickly. We received these books for many years and they are always quite good for a quick read.

Over the years, we accumulated hundreds of these books and have passed along many of them to friends, family and thrift stores or yard sales. But I have a collection of about 10-20 that became my favorites. These are ones I have read and reread over and over again because something about the stories or the characters stuck with me and became like cherished friends. I was re-reading one of these books a couple weeks ago and something stuck out to me that never had before. A character was singing an old song to their child and the words touched me and I wanted immediately to write about it. Of course, I didn't write about it right away...but it's been in the back of my mind since then and now I'm finally getting a chance to do so.

The song was Bloom Where You Are Planted and here are the lyrics:

Bloom, bloom, bloom where you're planted

You will find your way

Bloom, bloom, bloom where you're planted

You will have your day. Look at the flowers, look at them growing

They never worry, they never work

Look at the way our Father clothes them

Each with beauty all its own

Each with beauty all its own

Some plant the seeds that others will water

But in all things, God give the growth

Come let Him garden the flowers within you

Come and discover some you've never known

Come and discover some you've never known.

Look at the love that lies deep within you

Let yourself be! Let yourself be!

Look at the gifts you have been given

Let them go free! Let them go free!

Let them go free! Let them go free!

When I was looking up the full lyrics to that song, I read some things about the phrase "bloom where you're planted" and it appears that this phrase was first attributed to St. Francis de Sales - "Truly charity has no limit; for the love of God has been poured into our hearts by His Spirit dwelling in each one of us, calling us to a life of devotion and inviting us to bloom in the garden where He has planted and directing us to radiate the beauty and spread the fragrance of His Providence."

I was suddenly struck by the realization that I am where I am for a purpose and that I simply have to trust God, listen to His leading and "bloom where I'm planted." I don't have to run around trying to be something I'm not, I don't have to stress and worry about why I don't have the strengths and gifting of other people around me, I don't have to feel guilty. There is freedom. Freedom in being who God made me to be. Freedom in trusting that I am where I am for a purpose. Freedom in trusting that God will do the growing and I just have to be in Him.

I believe that God has given me a gift - a gift of encouragement and one of the ways I use that gift is through sending cards. I send a lot of cards. I definitely keep the post office in business. I believe in the power of words to encourage, support, uplift, and love others. I love quotes and verses and use many of them in my cards. I read a couple daily devotionals and often include them as I feel led. I have found and created several laminated bookmarks and verse collections that I frequently send to others. This is how my process works:

1. God brings someone to mind - sometimes through reading a Facebook post, sometimes while flipping through my address book, sometimes completely out of the blue.
2. I look through my collection of cards (I frequently buy them from Hallmark, Current and even occasionally have had a subscription for monthly card deliveries through Someone Cares). Sometimes as I look for a card, one of them will remind me of someone else and I'll pull that one to send as well.
3. I sort through my Quotes folder looking for a quote, verse, devotion, etc that speaks to me as something for that person.
4. I either print out or hand write in their card the chosen words and then wait.
5. Sometimes these cards sit for a couple days, occasionally a few weeks, and very rarely a month or longer. I fully believe that although it feels like I'm slacking off or being lazy about sending them in time it really is God's timing because often it's these cards that I feel are sent late that I hear from the recipient that they came at exactly the right time.
6. Writing a message in the card is usually preceded by thoughts of them, perhaps a prayer or two, and very occasionally have felt like words written by God Himself not because I think highly of myself but because I felt that the words were too strong, too direct or simply something I feel uncertain is the right thing to say, but feel strongly must be written.
7. Add addresses, stamp, and of course stickers and then mailed.

I love sending these cards. I love when I hear from the recipient that they appreciated it. But I don't always get a response or acknowledgement. And I don't need one or expect one. I'm not fishing for compliments or praise. I trust that I am doing what God calls me to do and what matters to me is not any kind of applause, but to believe that God is using my gift to bless others. Sometimes it can feel like what I do doesn't matter, but I have faith that it does. “…very often I expect, the service He really demands is that of not being (apparently) used, or not in the way we expected, or not in a way we can perceive.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Sometimes I might wish that I had different gifts. Like my sister, who is amazing at acts of service - if she knows her friends are sick, she will make a big pot of soup and bring it to them. Or she will clean someone's house if they can't due to sickness or pain or other such things. She is kind and generous with her time and her abilities. Or my husband who makes friends with everyone and has the wonderful gift of making people laugh and feel their best. He is a server at Olive Garden and he makes all his tables feel like close friends or family - he jokes and teases, flirts and winks and makes them happy. This is a huge gift and one that I definitely don't have! :)

But, we must remember -  “Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.”  ~ Galatians 6:4 God has made us all uniquely gifted to do different things and one is not better or worse than another. When we all work together and do what God has gifted us to do then we will be able to bless others and experience the joy of being where and who we are supposed to be. “And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God…defines your life…The really important thing is obeying God’s call, following His commands…Friends, stay where you were called to be. God is there. Hold the high ground with Him at your side.” ~ 1 Corinthians 7:17a, 19, 24

God has made me who I am and He has made you who you are. He has placed us where we are supposed to be and our only job is to listen, obey, and love. If we are putting our trust and faith in God, if we are doing what we were created to do where we are planted, and if we are obeying God's leading then we can have joy and be able to bless others.

This is my prayer for you:

"...asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to His will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. {I} pray that you'll live well for the Master, making Him proud of you as you work hard in His orchard. As you learn more and more how God works,  you will learn how to do your work. {I} pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul - not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that He has for us." ~ Colossians 1:9b-12

“Build altars in the places where I remind you who I am, and I will come and bless you there.” ~ Exodus 20:24b

As I started to think about what I might begin writing here, my mind became flooded with ideas and they started to form into an A-Z order of topics. I quickly formed that list, but soon even more thoughts and ideas came and so my list of topics has grown. I think that may well be a sign that God has some things for me to learn and share and it seems to reinforce the idea that this is a word from the Lord. Not that I doubted Shauna and Marcus's words to me, but I asked for a sign. Something that would confirm the truth. First it came from my husband who reminded me that he's told me many times that I needed to share what was in my heart and thoughts. Then the confirmation came from the flood of ideas and the beginnings of excitement that started to overwhelm the fears. So, here I am again attempting to be real and vulnerable and share some of the things God is teaching me.

The title of this post is a verse that has some meaning for me. Of course, biblically this was a direct message to the Israelites to build physical altars in specific places where God met them and their needs to be set as permanent reminders. I assure you that I am not in the habit of forming physical altars or monuments. :) This is simply a reminder to me to not forget the many ways God has blessed me throughout my life.

You know I like to keep quotes and I like to send cards. What I also like to do is save things. I am what some might call a pack rat, but I prefer to think of it as being a memory keeper. I have boxes and notebooks and folders and drawers full of things. Some may not be vastly important and definitely not all relate specifically to God. But they are reminders of the past - who I used to be, what I used to think and feel and while they can sometimes be embarrassing (like way too many forlorn love letters to a junior high crush...eek ;) they are a part of me and my life. Another way I save things is by writing them down - sometimes its in letters, sometimes in emails, sometimes in notes in my Bible.

One of the notes in my Bible is a thank you card. It was sent to my parents from Marcus and Shauna as a thank you for their wedding gift. On the back was a note to me encouraging me to take heart and know that God has a special plan for my life. This note has been in my Bible for 15 years and it is like an altar to me because it represents God's provision in my life - in the things He's planned for me and the people He's provided as spiritual mentors for me. Just seeing that note reminds me that Shauna and Marcus love and support me and mixed with that knowledge is the even more important knowledge that God loves me and is always there for me. It's a tangible symbol of God's provision and presence.

During the summers of 1996 and 1998, I went on mission trips around the United States with a group called Royal Servants. This was an amazing/awful/wonderful/terrible/life-changing experience that I plan to share further about in later posts. We spent 8 weeks traveling the country, sharing the gospel, and learning a lot about God. Throughout those summers, there were teaching times and one of those lessons was about anchors and we were given an anchor pin as a reminder. The basic idea being that as we go through our lives, we will have experiences with God that we can cling to in the future as anchors to remind us of God's presence.

Anchors are something we can cling to when the storms and stresses of life and its struggles seem to overwhelm us. They are strong reminders that God cares and provides.

“Trust is not a passive state of mind. It is a vigorous act of the soul by which we choose to lay hold on the promises of God and cling to them despite the adversity that at times seeks to overwhelm us.” ~ Jerry Bridges in Trusting God

To me, anchors are like altars - meaning they are places to hold onto, or look back on where we can see with clarity that God has provided and sustained us. Our past is more easily seen with 20/20 vision and if we can remember that God was there, it can be easier to know He still is there.

“I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you. . . . The Lord your God is with you wherever you go” ~ Joshua 1:5, 9

My mother is wonderful and she is such an example to me of true faith. Actually, both my parents are, but for now this is about my mom. :) My whole life she has drilled into us the importance of trusting God and honestly I could probably give hundreds of examples of ways she has impacted my faith and life. One of these is how she has instilled in me the desire to build altars/have anchors to remember God's provision. She writes down and tells the stories again and again of how God has provided and so many of my early anchors are really remembering the stories she has told. I am so thankful for this and so many other things about my mom.

This is one of my anchors:

• When I was around 5 or 6, I desperately wanted a stuffed unicorn. Most Saturday mornings, my dad would take my sister and I out of the house so that my mom could sleep in. We often went to the mall to wander around and we always included a visit to the pet store and the toy store. At the toy store was a giant stuffed unicorn and I wanted it sooooo badly. But, it was expensive and my parents were in seminary and we didn't have a lot of money. However, instead of simply telling me to get over it, they suggested that I pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed...hoping for a Christmas miracle. Our next door neighbor was an older man we called Grandpa Bill and he spent much time in the wealthier part of town looking through their garbage (what we might call a dumpster diver today) and as time passed they became aware that he did this and started to leave out nicer things away from the actual garbage. He shared many things from his discoveries with us and others in our neighborhood - almost brand new suits for my Dad, Barbie's for my sister and I, furniture, etc. A few nights before Christmas, he came to our door and let my parents know he'd found something and wondered if we might be interested. From behind his back, he pulled a giant stuffed unicorn! My parents cried and told him the story of my wish and my prayers...and not only did he find one unicorn, but there was also a second one for my sister.

Isn't God amazing!? It still makes me cry to be reminded of God's provision for the simple, seemingly insignificant prayer of a child for a stuffed unicorn. Sometimes I think that it is the simple things and basic ways that God provides for us that seem to make the biggest impact. It reminds us that we are known and that what is important to us is important to God. Not that it means we get every wish or desire (I definitely didn't get every single stuffed animal or gift I ever wanted), but sometimes those wishes do come true...those prayers do get answered.

Here is one more anchor:

• On my mission trip in the summer of 1996, the first week or so included training camp with my team (the 10:10 team) as well as all the other Reign Ministries Royal Servants teams who were heading off all over the world. During this time, we lived in tents in the middle of a cornfield, we used port-o-potties, we ran everywhere in groups of three, we woke up early and went to bed soon after dark, we had daily quiet times, worship times and teaching times, we had to cook or clean for one meal a day, we had to memorize Scriptures, we had work projects to help clean up the area we were in and we got to know our teammates. We got our water from a hose connected to a long plastic pipe that was attached to wood beams. There was no inside, no ice, no chairs with backs - only camp stools, no escape from the bugs and we had Illinois summer weather to deal with. I desperately wished for a chair with a back and a cup of ice, but this was something I didn't mention or even necessarily pray for because it seemed unlikely to happen until we left for the rest of our summer travels. But one night, there was a special event for all kids whose parents were pastors or missionaries. It was a surprise and a secret gathering and a way to thank us for the ways in which our lives might be challenged by having parents in ministry. We got ice cream (which was delicious), we got appreciation and prayers (which were a blessing), and best of all (to me) we got to sit in chairs that had backs  and there was ice available for our drinks! I'm sure those were not the things that others got excited about and I'm sure that the leaders didn't consider them a special treat - but to me it was a miracle and such a pleasure! And I knew it was God...He knew my inner thoughts and desires and provided something I didn't even think to ask for. And that is something that I cling to and will always remember.

“The God who created, names and numbers the stars in the heavens also numbers

the hairs of my head. He pays attention to very big things and to very small ones.

What matters to me matters to Him, and that changes my life.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot

Isn't it amazing how much God loves us? Isn't it amazing how much He knows about us and cares about us? These kinds of things just make me so happy and thankful to have a heavenly Father who cares about the simple things and the important things in my life - and in your life. He does care about you...He does love you...He does provide for you. I hope that you can remember to cling to those anchors...to build those altars...keep them in your memory...hold them in your heart.

“Let [God's] love and faithfulness never leave you: bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart…” ~ Proverbs 3:3

These words from Ephesians 3:16-19 are my prayer for you and for me...

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

“So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.” ~ Hebrews 12:12

I had almost forgotten about this blog. Well, not really. I did remember that I had a blog and I've even had things that would be great for blog entries...but I just haven't made time to write. I'm still not certain how much I want to share in this space, but I've been encouraged to use the gifts God has given me for writing and share the thoughts swirling in my mind with you.

The past two years have been a journey of spiritual growth and that is both a blessing and a struggle. Since March 2012, I've been dealing with many questions and thoughts relating to church, theology, beliefs, and authority. I began devouring Scripture (thanks Mom & Dad for the Message Bible...I LOVE it!) - in the beginning to read certain passages relating to my struggles and then I just couldn't put it down. :) In February this year, I was thrilled to finish a lifelong goal of reading through the entire Bible and though it would be easy to feel guilty about never having done that before, I truly believe that I was able to do so at this time for a reason. My heart was so open and thirsty for God's Word and I know that in the past I would not have gotten as much joy or felt as much comfort as His Word provided me during this time. This verse in Jeremiah 15:16 sums up how I feel: "Your words were found, and I ate them, and Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts."

I've read over 30 books relating to theology, women & ministry, church membership, the Trinity, grace and freedom in Christ,and continue to be drawn to other books on these and other topics. I've had discussions and disagreements with others and have had to come to a knowledge of my own beliefs that aren't dependent on my parents or pastor. I am definitely not "done" or "arrived" but I'm on a journey with God and while it has been difficult at times I am so incredibly grateful for what I have learned and continue to learn. In that time, we've left a church, tried out another, and are currently on sabbatical from church. But we want to start trying churches again and trust that God will direct us to the place He wants us.

I've been surrounded by so many friends and family who are so encouraging and supportive and have helped me to wrestle with the many lessons I've been learning about God and His Word. My spiritual mentors, Marcus & Shauna, have been a gift to me and recently shared some encouragement and important words with me. Writing in this blog and sharing some of the things I've learned and continue to learn is something they feel God calling me to do. And although its a bit scary, I felt the Holy Spirit's tug of peace and agreement in my heart. So I'm going to be brave and try to be vulnerable. I can't promise to always succeed and in fact, I'm certain I will have failures. But my hope is that I will keep trusting God and try again.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

“Though I fall, I will rise again.” ~ Micah 7:8

So, it's probably obvious that I like quotes. I've always been drawn to words. I love reading. I love listening. I loved English classes and though my college major was Liberal Studies, my concentration was in Literature. I've always loved quotations and verses. I have many (MANY!!!) scraps of paper filled with verses and quotes. I have notebooks with bits and pieces of words from others. I loved how they made Elisabeth Shue's character in the movie The Saint obsessed with writing notes and quotes and lists on Post-its and sticking them all over her apartment. I remember being babysat by my dear friend Marilyn and seeing that she had written words of encouragement and verses and quotations on index cards and posted them in her bathroom. My bedroom mirror used to be crowded with photos of friends, stickers and quotes. When I went on my mission trip in the summer of 1996, we had to memorize lots of Scripture and they were all written down in spiral-bound index cards which I still have. Due to that influence, a few years ago I started keeping spiral-bound index cards by my computer and when I read a good quote or Bible verse, I add it to my collection. I have many Word documents full of quotations, devotions, verses, poems, and other types of written word. When I read books, especially non-fiction, I always keep some paper nearby for note-taking so that I can remember the things I've learned or specifically want to remember. My Bible is filled with underlined passages and notes in the margins. I love words that encourage, that resonate, that comfort, that inspire growth...all these things and more. I love to send cards and believe that it is one of the spiritual gifts God has given me. On more than one occasion, I have felt called to send a card to a specific person, for a specific purpose and a few times I've even seen God actually write the words because I knew it wasn't something I had thought of or intended....and have had confirmation from the recipients that it had to be God because it was something I couldn't have known. In these cards I send, I almost always include at least a verse or a quote or sometimes several of each. I love the opportunity to share encouragement and faith with friends and family and am always so blessed to discover that it arrived at the exact right time or had the right words....I know it's God and I'm blessed that He allows me to be a part of it.

As the days have passed, I feel more confident (though still scared) that God wants me to start sharing some of these things I've been learning in a more public way. I'm a very private person and even though I have no illusions that I have a huge audience of readers, it's still a struggle to put my deep thoughts and prayers and struggles and questions out there for anyone to read and comment. I'm also a people pleaser...the good girl...the introvert who hates criticism... But one of the clear lessons I've learned in my current journey with the Lord is that life is about being real - it's far easier to keep things to ourselves, but it's scary and hard because when we do that, we live in fear that we are the "only one" and that no one else could possibly imagine or experience our issues. I don't think it's ego or arrogance or even pride (though it might be sometimes), I think it's simply fear...because what if we are alone? What if others think we are crazy? What if it makes someone angry? Or what if it calls our Christianity into question? Or what if people stop loving us? But the irony is...when we begin to share our fears and hopes and secrets with others this happens:

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." -C.S. Lewis

Everyone has struggles and everyone has secrets. But the reality of our Christian faith is that we are supposed to be in community with each other...and community means sharing life together. And if we are focused on loving God first, and then loving our neighbors (of which everyone one else is) then we should not have to live in fear of being abandoned or alone. Yet, I know we live in a sinful world and our human nature is strong and we make poor choices and say and do hurtful things. But we can't give up...we must keep trying....we must keep attempting to love God and love people.

I'm going to keep trying...and I'm going to start sharing here in this blog. I'm stepping out in faith - I'm a bit wobbly and fearful...but I'm trusting in God's word in Hebrews 12:12 (the title of my post). In the past few days, God has filled my mind with ideas for things to write and it has kind of sorted itself into an A to Z theme of topics. All those quotes and verses have come together into topics that I feel called to share. Pray for me as I attempt to be real and vulnerable. I'm praying for you - that you might have those moments of "I thought I was the only one" and if you do, please share with me so that I know I'm not alone either. :)

Dear heavenly Father, Thank You for the opportunity to share my journey. Please give me the words You want me to share and the courage to be vulnerable. Give me peace in my heart and help me to put my trust and confidence in You alone. Help me to remember that You are all that matters. Be with the people who read these words - give them strength for the difficulties they might be facing, give them comfort for the pain they might be feeling, give them peace in all circumstances and most of all, help them to feel Your incredible love for them and come to know You in their hearts. Thank You for loving me and leading me on this journey of faith building. I still have much to learn and I pray for an open heart and mind to Your direction. Thank You for the people You've placed in my life to show me a glimpse of Your infinite love for me. Thank You for saving me. I love You. Amen.

Books, books and more books...

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head. I’ve been on a very eclectic reading spree lately; actually let’s say an attempt-to-read spree. It started with a quest to study the idea of church membership which inspired me to read Stop Dating the Church by Joshua Harris. Then I borrowed a few more from the library, this time regarding not just church membership: The Church and the Surprising Offense of God’s Love by Jonathan Leeman, Bitesize Theology by Peter Jeffery and Desiring God by John Piper (the last two suggested by our new pastor). These three are in the waiting-to-be-read pile.

In my continuing quest to read or watch items placed on Reserve by professors, I read the Rough Guide to American Independent Film by Jessica Winter which I found interesting and inspired me to also read the Rough Guide to Chick Flicks by Samantha Cook which was even more interesting. It led to me making a list of about 90 films that I’d like to see – at some point. :) I’ve also been reading through the book The Soul of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by Gene Veith which has inspired me to attempt to re-read the Narnia series. This book and my goal entered a conversation with a friend last night which inspired her to lend me the audiobooks of The Magician’s Nephew and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe which I intend to start listening to in my car on my commute to and from work.

Additionally I just finished a wonderful book called I’m Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers by Tim Madigan. I am a huge fan of Mister Rogers and if you have received a card or note from me in the past few years you already know that I love to include his quotes (if you haven’t received a card from me with a quote, let me know and I’ll see what I can do :)). Anyways, this book was so inspiring and though it is not a long read it took me quite a long time (by my standards) to read because almost every other page had something I wanted to highlight, write down or simply made me cry my eyes out. It is a lovely book and I will be purchasing a copy for myself soon. It only added even more depth to my already considerable appreciation for the much beloved Mister Rogers and it was such a blessing to have the honor of reading the honesty put forth by the author. I highly recommend this book.

It served, however, to create a new topic of interest – the Catholic priest and writer Henri J. M. Nouwen. I’d read and loved a few quotes from him before, but I discovered he was a dear friend and mentor to Fred Rogers. I found that our library has several of his books and I’ve begun reading one of them this week. It’s called Seeds of Hope: a Henri Nouwen Reader edited by Robert Durback and is basically a collection of Nouwen’s writings under the headings of particular topics. Already I have been encouraged, brought to tears and felt the prick of recognition in just the first few chapters. I’ve been inspired to also read some of his other books – The Inner Voice of Love: a Journey through Anguish to Freedom, Reaching Out: the Three Movements of the Spiritual Life, The Return of the Prodigal Son: a Story of Homecoming, and Bread for the Journey: a Daybook of Wisdom and Faith.

Finally, I’ve been re-inspired in my love for all things Wuthering Heights. I’m almost finished with H.: The Story of Heathcliff’s Journey Back to Wuthering Heights by Lin Haire-Sargeant. It is a very intriguing take on what may have happened to Heathcliff during his absence and it includes some semi-distracting yet also interesting additions of the writers Charlotte and Emily Bronte and the story of Jane Eyre. I haven’t finished it quite yet, but have to admit that it’s a well-written story and would be a though-provoking addition to the classic. It definitely keeps true to the character of Heathcliff and though he is a terrible, selfish, evil and passionate character – I do love his character and the love/hate between him and Cathy. Wuthering Heights is one of my favorite stories of all time and this was an appealing glimpse back into the story. I next intend to read a character analysis and critical essay collection called Heathcliff edited by Harold Bloom. It should be a very fascinating and thought-provoking read.

This is some of what I’m reading…what are you reading?

2011 Wrap Up

Here was my list and in red is what I was able to achieve.

2011 Goals
These are a few of the things that I would like to accomplish this year. I may not get to all of them, but I'm hopeful that it is not too daunting of a list.

1. Find time to paint and/or do art projects

• While not super consistent, I was able to be more artistic at times this year. I spent time coloring and doing projects with the kids. I wasn't able to do any painting this year, but my hope is to work on this again in 2012.

2. Finish reading the Bible – Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, 1&2 Samuel, 1&2 Kings, 1&2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Job, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, 1&2 Thessalonians

• Basically I didn't even start working on this until December. However, I found a website and an app for my phone that allows me to read online in whatever version I prefer. I am reading The Message version and was able to get through all of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and the first 10 chapters of Deuteronomy. I will continue to work on this in 2012 and have found the more I read the more interesting it is to see it all play out and work together.

3. Read the following books - Chronicles of Narnia series, The Catcher in the Rye, War & Peace, Brave New World, Vanity Fair and the Anne of Green Gables series

• I think this list was a bit ambitious especially since I read so many other books as well. However, I was able to read Brave New World (very interesting and forward-thinking especially for its time), Vanity Fair (the longest book of the year at 912 pages) and I read through the first 5 books of the Anne of Green Gables series (book 1-3 were amazing, book 4 almost made me give up, book 5 redeemed it and book 6 has been really interesting so far). I'm not sure whether or not I'll work on reading the others listed in 2012, but perhaps.

4. Unpack at least half the boxes in our garage

• I unpacked nothing from the garage but Josh has made it his goal to work on this for 2012. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I need much that is out there since its been there for over 2 years without me wanting or needing it...but the packrat in me thinks it must be important.

5. Organize & file all important papers and clean up desk

• This didn't happen. We NEED to make it happen this year.
  

6. Try at least 3 new recipes each month

• This definitely happened, even if not always 3 per month some months had more than three so it worked out. We had a lot of new favorites, and a few that were just ok. But I continue to enjoy reading cooking blogs, collecting cookbooks and trying new things as often as possible and that won't change in 2012.

7. Visit Josh's family, and some of mine, on vacation in May/June

• This wasn't able to happen - financial reasons, no time off availability, etc. However, Josh was able to visit his Mom, brother & family in October for a week and they had a great visit.
  

8. Hang curtains in our house to replace ratty metal blinds

• Hasn't happened yet, but will happen eventually.

9. Mail Christmas cards with letter & picture by beginning of December

• We mailed/delivered about 140 Christmas cards with photo card and letter by December 14. And only two were returned, so our address book is pretty accurate too! :)
  

10. Take a trip with my best friend

• This didn't happen, and since she ended our friendship it won't be happening in 2012.

11. Write on my blog at least once a month

• I wasn't consistent, but only missed about 4 months I think.

12. Watch film version of classic novels read (Age of Innocence, Anne of Green Gables, Vanity Fair…)

• I did watch both Age of Innocence and Vanity Fair. I really enjoyed the former and thought that the latter made Becky Sharp into a much more likeable character. Though I've seen all the Anne of Green Gables films, I didn't rewatch them yet...but I will once I've finished the series of books.

13. Watch Film Studies films that interest me

• I watched quite a few this year - Lost in Translation, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Phantom of the Opera, Hamlet (Ethan Hawke version), Scotland PA, Mildred Pierce, Temple Grandin, The Apostle, The Godfather, The Turning Point, I've Loved You So Long, RENT, and Babies.

14. Read 100 books this year

• I ended up reading 111 books.